Breastfeeding…an Emotional yet Beautiful Journey

When I gave birth to my daughter, I honestly wanted to redeem myself from what I wasn’t able to do for my son, four years ago. A little back story with my son. He was born during the early stages of the #pandemic. Prior to zoom, prior to teams, prior to any virtual outlet, I had to learn the nuances of breastfeeding byway of just the phone and Google. Needless to say, I didn’t have a huge supply; even after making my own fenugreek brownies, eating lactation cookies, drinking large amounts of water, praying, crying, and stressing immensely. I remember #supplementing because my son was 5lbs at birth and my supply just wasn’t enough. I remember nursing him in the morning and at night for 8 months, and finally my mental couldn’t take it.

Fast forward to 2024, I was determined to give my second child more. In my mind, we’re in “normal times” again, so I have more resources! Since birth, my daughter latched the first time, I pumped at least 30ml by day 3 and knew my #breastfeeding journey was going to be magical. Call me naïve, but there are so many pieces of breastfeeding I didn’t know. While in the hospital, I was encouraged to nurse, pump, supplement and repeat. I did this regimen while dealing with #postpartum depression for 2.5 months.

While at an appointment for my daughter, I was told I should pick between nursing and exclusively pumping if I’m considering going back to work. I thought the best route would be pumping as I knew I would be returning to work. For one day, I tried it, and it was my biggest mistake.

On Easter Sunday, my daughter decided to do a #nursingstrike. I never knew what it was, I just felt rejected. For five days, my daughter refused to nurse. My supply began to drop. I power pumped, drank coconut water, bought boxes of cookies and bars, and nothing worked. With every bottle I made with formula, I cried because I felt as if I failed her. After 12 days, she began looking for my #breast as if she wanted to nurse. Cue the #momguilt because there wasn’t enough there to feed. I made the decision for my mental health to just give it up completely. I didn’t think it was healthy to cry the amount I cried because of my lack of supply.

As of last week, I returned my unopened boxes of #lactation bars and cookies. The return even made me sad. When I sat in my car, I had to find something positive. I was able to provide for two kids in ways I never thought I could. I was able to learn my body and the nuances of breastfeeding. I was able to provide something so nourishing for my children and for that, I’m grateful. I’m not a failure and neither is my body. I’m proud of my journey, and proud of myself for trying. If you’re on the journey, I hope it’s a beautiful one, and I hope you’re able to feel proud of yourself and your body.

Sprinkled with love,

Brittany